Saturday, January 17, 2015

Why never getting closure can be a real bitch

As we go through our dating lives we leave behind a trail of ghosts. People who came into our hearts for a hot second, only to leave us feeling cold and rejected with a slew of unanswered questions.

I like to say these are the people we half-breakup with. Half-breakup because we never really dated them, we only went out a couple times, or were strictly “in the sheets” kind of friends. When these relationships end it’s not a big hoopla, there are no tears, or wallowing sessions on the couch -- but worst of all there is no closure either. Often they just disappear, never to be heard from again.

I’ve had this happen to me a couple times. A guy in college strung me around for a couple years. He was hot, then cold, then hot, then I was yelling. I never really knew why, but in that instance I chalked it up to him being a crazy person and moved on. However, there is one guy, in which the situation was so weird, so out of the blue, and he cut me out so fast that it still irks me to this day. Here’s what happened.  

This is the tale of this guy who was a real asshole to me one time:

Over the course of two years I became very good friends with a guy I worked with, we became so close I would often crash at his house whenever we hung out and I drank too much, or was too tired to drive home. I always slept on the couch. (He had male roommates so often partying happened at their place).

I kind of had a crush on him, but never pursued it because he was a known womanizer, I actually liked being friends with him and he was friends with my friend. So incestual. However one night, I was crashing after a party and he told me his roommate was out of town and I could sleep in the guy’s bed. Great. Couches suck. So I did.

About ten minutes later, my friend comes in and climbs into bed too. Okay. He wanted to watch videos on his laptop and hangout. Okay. We chatted, laughed, the sexual tension was high. I went to sleep. Then he did too.

Then that moment happened, the one when two horny 20-somethings are lying in a bed, in the dark, so close they can feel each other’s body heat. I felt my heart pounding, I felt my skin inching toward his. At some point I felt his hand on my hip. I think. Then it happened -- we kissed.

Only this was not fireworks. This was the worst kiss of my life. It was awkward and clumsy and not to be TMI, it tasted bad. Researchers say kissing is how we find “the one” -- well our DNA was definitely rejecting each other. We fumbled around a bit, it was seriously so bad. Eventually we stopped. Still fully dressed, I went to the bathroom. Came back and went to sleep.

I thought the next day at work it would be fine. We’d have a laugh, be adults about it, make fun of ourselves. That sort of thing. Maybe our relationship was more brother, sister after all.


I went to talk to him and was completely iced out. I tried to text him, iced out. I tried calling, ICED OUT. Here was my “friend” treating me like the plague. I was very upset and very confused. What happened? Was I missing something.

Normally, if we had been “dating” or “hooking up” I never would have continued to try -- that would be pathetic -- but we were friends for years, so I didn’t understand. And I kept trying. I asked his friends, “What’s wrong?”. All they said is “He hates you.” Okay. Thanks. Eventually their tune changed to “Come on, you know what happened. You know why he hates you.” Um, no. Does awkward make-out really lead to full on I-hope-you-die hatred?  I didn’t think it did.

I was utterly confused, upset, broken, frustrated and genuinely sad to lose a friend.

This went on for about a year. Yes, a year! Eventually I stopped calling or talking to him. At work we ignored each other. He refused to make my drinks (he was the bartender) and I’d have to do it myself. I was disinvited from his snowboard trip. I stopped being asked to parties. Suffice to say, it sucked balls.

Later, after a long time had passed I asked my friend Joe (name has been changed) why Justin (named not changed) had been such an asshole.

“Come on T, you know why!!!” Said Joe.
“No, please tell me, it’s been over a year, just tell me!”.

Here it was, the moment of truth. “Justin said you went to his house, came on to him, tried to have sex with him and when he rejected you, you got all crazy and mad.”

Wait, what? He what … I what … with the sex … what????

Here’s the thing. If that happened, if I was rejected I would be embarrassed. I would be the one running, hiding, ignoring and avoiding. I wouldn’t ask all his friends to relive the moment with me, to find out what went wrong. I WOULD KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG.

I have no idea why this story was told, or why he iced me out. To this day I don’t. Because that version of events never happened.

I don’t know who listened to Serial, but in it Adnan says the worst thing about going to jail for murder is that people believed he was capable of murder.

With this, when I finally heard the so-called truth I looked at my friend Joe and said “And you believed him? All the guys believed him?” He said, “Well Justin’s a very good looking guy.” Okay, that doesn't mean I'd turn into a crazy rapist lady.

At the end of the day, I will never know what happened. Clearly something went wrong and I lost a friend. No closure will ever be given to me. That sucks.

This is what we all must deal with. And sadly the lack of closure comes down to ego, because the real question I am asking is “Why didn’t you want to be friends anymore? Why was losing me okay?” I mean, I am awesome right? …. right?

Here’s the thing, when we get faded out, or ghosted or dumped the real question we’re asking is “What’s wrong with me? What’s so wrong with me, you don’t want to see me anymore?

The real truth is, there is nothing wrong with you. Relationships go wrong and we don’t always get to know why. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, it’s their loss. Seriously.

And if all else fails, forget your ego and chalk it up to this steadfast fact: that dude was crazy.

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