Wednesday, November 13, 2013

9 Reasons Why If You Don’t Put Your Phone Down, You Will Die

I recently stumbled upon this AT&T commercial which, if you haven’t seen it yet, is basically a disgusting, horrible, vomit inducing ode to smart phones, masked by bright colors and pretty people who would rather look at their mobile devices than catch their morning bus, attend their mandatory work meeting or even, live their lives.

The commercial is playing off of today’s phone-obsessed culture -- where people literally cannot go five minutes sans the device -- but rather than condemning it, the company is celebrating it. This to me, is unacceptable. 

I love that my phone keeps me connected. That a text message is faster than a phone call. That I can check Instagram and Twitter and one-thousand other social sites whenever it suits me. But now, the phone addiction is out of control. People would rather robotically scroll through their virtual friends' photos to get a quick glimpse of the memories those people are making, rather than look up and realize they’re missing the memories right in front of them.

Or vice versa, people are so desperately trying to immortalize every moment they live in -- by taking photos of everything and tweeting things like “Just ate a sandwich” -- that they forget to actually live in the moment. IT HAS TO STOP.

I do not want to hang out with non-people, blank-faced, half-drooling over their cell phone. I do not want to have conversations where I am talking and the other person says, "Uh-huh, yeah, yeah ... wait ... what ... start over." NO YOU START OVER.

So in order to make it stop I created a list of 9 reasons you will die if you do not put your phone down right now. Why nine? Because BuzzFeed killed the Internet.

1. I will personally come kill you.

2. You will lose all your friends and die. Without friends you will become sad and depressed. You will escape into your hovel of a bedroom even more attached to your phone -- now the only form of contact you can enjoy. So enamored by it’s presence you will fear leaving it for even one second, until suddenly you drop dead of starvation.

3. Your fingers will fall off from texting and you will die. Without fingers life becomes very difficult for you. You cannot pick things up. Eating is a challenge. But since your only form of communication was your phone and you can no longer press a single button to make a single phone call or summon Siri, you have no one to help you and eventually waste away and die. 

4. You will get hit by a car and die. Trust me, that Instagram photo someone you don’t know posted of their ass in yoga pants will be there in thirty seconds. No need to look at it while crossing the street and forgetting to look both ways. Splat, you’re dead.

5. You will kill someone and then die. Texting while driving is a horrible idea. And someday, if you don’t stop you will accidentally run someone over (probably someone who walked into the street without looking because they were too busy checking their phone). Still, you will be sent to jail -- where you will die. You were never cut out for jail. 

6. Your girlfriend will light your house on fire and you will die. You followed every porn star, friended every half-naked chick, and got a little cheeky with your Twitter followers. Then came the Snap Chats. A boob here, an ass there. No problem. But you snap chatted so much, your GF checked that little button that lists your “Best Friends” and her Snap Chat name wasn’t on it. Rookie move. She got pissed and lit your house on fire. Then you died.

7. You will get fired and then die. When your phone buzzes every five minutes at work, it’s clear you are not working. Your boss will notice and eventually fire you. You will lose your apartment, become homeless and take up a stall selling bracelets on the Venice Boardwalk. Still attached to your phone you didn’t see the guy behind you high on crack with a blade in his hand. Now you’re dead.

8. You will get robbed and then die. You posted the pics: Vegas weekend, bottle service in Miami, trip to Paris, new Louis Vuitton bag, brand new kicks, you pretty much made a profile that said “look I have money” and every time you post, the GPS satellites tell evil people where you are. #thecriminalsfoundandyoustoleyourstuff #andthenaccidentallyshotyou

9. You will never go on a real date and die (alone). You are so busy juggling conversations on OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr,, How About We, Ashely Madison, you name it, that you never actually have time to go out with anyone. Instead your phone keeps buzzing, “new match”, “new message”, “new person you can talk to and never interact with” but you’re so excited anyway because “OMG WHO COULD IT BE” that eventually you go insane, concoct schizophrenia from the multiple personalities you’ve created, get shipped off to an asylum where phones are not allowed and die of cell phone withdrawal. Bummer. 

The end. 

But seriously. Don't be a drone. Stack that phone.

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