Saturday, June 1, 2013

Hangover Bloooooooooooze

 It's Saturday people, which means one thing ... you are hungover as shit. You know how I know? Because you're awake right now, unable to sleep from the little elves pounding inside your head, the sweat soaked sheets you just can't get out of fast enough and the Mojave desert which has taken up residence in your mouth. Water. Please. Now.

And all you can think is ... "I'm never drinking again." Until of course Saturday night rolls around and you're right back where you started. It's called "Fun" people. Get on board.

Anyway, I'm not here to judge, I'm here to talk you through it and solve your particular form of hangover ... because one size does NOT fit all.

I'm Not Hungover Hangover -- Physically you feel fine because you didn't go out (i.e. drink your face off) But this morning when you woke up, you still felt nauseous and sad ... it's called loneliness. Who stays in on Friday?   

Cure: Go get some friends, Jesus! Or a cat.

The Organized Hangover -- You drank one too many vodka sodas, but it's okay because you had a plan! You popped aspirin before bed, drank water, and even put an extra bottle on your nightstand before setting your alarm to make 10 AM yoga. Only thing missing ... getting laid. Stop organizing your fun.

Cure: Extra Shots at midnight.

The Food Baby Hangover -- Not only did you get wasted last night, but you scarfed 6 tacos on the sidewalk and then a homemade grilled cheese, a pack of Oreos and finally before passing out ... decided to eat the remaining cheese block plain because clearly you ran out of bread. Waking up you feel like fat is literally oozing from your pores. And it is. 

Cure: GYM, SAUNA. REPEAT. Seriously go now you have like 9,000 calories to burn off.

The Adult Hangover -- You drank like a champ, stuck to one liquor all night. Now you feel shitty ... but the good news is, this is a regular old hangover which will be gone a few hours. If you're over 25, it'll be gone by Monday.  

Cure: You're Awesome. Keep livin'.


Wino Wednesday Hangover -- It's not Wednesday, but you drank bottle after bottle of wine and love super kitchy names for things. Also it was so fun and the crudites were amazing. But when midnight rolled around and you ditched the Pinot Noir for some gas station Chardonnay and Franzia you found in your back closet things took turn for the worse. Now you feel woozy, ill, and like your insides are literally fermenting. But the good news is you get to gab about it over brunch (yeah you're all girls FYI) and totally talk about how fun girls nights are and how AMAZE balls the eggs benedict will be.    

Cure: Just say NO  ... to scrap booking, baking, and Instagramming manicure pics. But keep drinking.You only get to be cool two nights a week.

Oh God Please Make It Stop Hangover -- You're regretting some life decisions. Beer, wine, whiskey, lemon drop shots (really?) ... you don't have to try EVERYTHING buddy. Seriously, take a breather. Now you awake, it's only 6 am because you can't sleep and the world won't stop spinning. You're shaking from alcohol withdrawal, dehydration, and worst of all fear of the unknown. Because Who the F is in your bed? Yeah, that unknown.

Cure: Sneak Out. Find a hole to die in.

See, now all your life problems are solved. You're welcome. Oh, what's that, you wanted like a real hangover cure ... yeah scientists are working on it. So far all they came up with is ... STOP DRINKING.

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