Saturday, May 11, 2013

OK CUPID ... OK DIE


Um, so this is awkward. I recently joined an online dating site -- you may have heard of it … OkCupid.com. Oh you haven’t heard of it? Okay, well just stop reading because I can’t talk about life with people who live under rocks.

Why awkward you ask? There’s no judgment anymore you say. This isn’t 1995 when only creeps and pedophiles lurked behind handles. Everyone’s on dating sites these days. I know, I know. Obviously I know because I joined and let me tell you … it was pretty awesome … for like a day.

Here’s the thing, people (me) clearly join out of boredom (re: horniness). We want to spice things up a bit and meeting people in the one hour between work and working out isn’t exactly keeping it interesting.

Also, I’m a pretty lazy dater, so when a bunch of my friends joined (“I swear I only joined because all my friends like totally told me I had too so here I am, tehehe”), I said what the fuck, let’s go. And this is what happened:

PHASE ONE OF AWFULNESS:

About 5 minutes into my profile being active (which yeah I chose great pics where my boobs looked big-ish) I had a slew of visitors. And then, my phone buzzed … I got a message. I was pretty excited. Before diving 100% in I decided to stock up on some electrolytes. This could get interesting after all. So I walked into my kitchen, grabbed a little G2 (that’s low cal Gatorade) and came back ready to do this thing. Find me some matches.

Luckily (or so I thought) my phone was still buzzing. And buzzing. And buzzing. In the first 30 minutes I had about 100 emails. Yeah. Suddenly fun-flirty-time, became sort-through-these-terrible- messages time. I felt like I needed an assistant for my OkCupid account. Preferably a hot one.

I will admit, however,  I was flattered and feeling like pretty hot stuff. Then I remembered I barely filled out my profile. Literally in the “About Me” section I wrote “Writer.” So these messages were just based on my boobs. That’s fine. My goal was simple: fun hook-up buddy in a 2 mile radius. Unfortunately, my path to cute sex-friend was being bogged down by a slew of messages like these:

  •  “Hey beautiful?” (don’t ever open with that)
  • “What kind of stuff do you write?” (x 100 and again, it’s work so not my fav subject)
  • “Meow” – *side note I did put a pic up of myself in a cat costume. So I was asking for it.
  • “Insert long bio about your life and how you want to get to know me and you think more words proved that you’re really serious about it …. but you ended the pitch with … AND YOUR PROFILE WAS SO INSPIRING.” You mean my profile that consisted of one word? Yeah. 
  • “Tell me about yourself.” Um, you messaged me, tell ME about YOURSELF. 
  • “For someone who says they’re a writer your profile is really blank. You should think about that.” I actually got a lot of angry messages like this. Which is weird because it’s essentially hate mail, but on a dating site? I was always tempted to write back … but was like, oh wait I have a life. (sort of. Netflix counts right?). 
  • “I like XXX too” … xxx being something from my profile. This is actually the best way to go, so I’m not knocking it. But just know EVERYONE uses it. I get it, it proves you read my shit, BUT some of these were terrible. I put “I like breathing” on my profile, so a lot of guys opened with “I like breathing too!” I mean it’s my fault really. I will say some guys did come up with hilaious openers for the “I like xxx” … which I will not be posting here. You’re welcome.
So this is what I was dealing with. Total ego inflation mixed with utter despair and dread. All in the first day. I really did read the first 75 messages though. Yeah. All of them. And I checked the profiles. This is a terrible task.

Reading a message, then cross referencing it with someone’s profile -- thinking they’re moderately cute -- and then having to check the stats section and see they measure at 5’6”. It’s a bummer. Sorry, it’s a dating site, I’m shallow. And I’m sure plenty of guys saw my stats and were like, “Athletic” … isn't that just code for "fat."

Not shockingly, I didn’t respond to anyone … at first.

PHASE TWO OF AWFULNESS: 

I began messaging. I attempted to message guys I thought were funny, cute, educated, 4 limbs … yadda yadda. It was going well. Kind of. Why kind of?  To be honest,  I am pretty terrible at this whole messaging thing because  I’m actually NOT a huge fan of small talk. And if I don’t know you, I am not 100% committed to hearing about last summer with your grandma. Or immediately sending you a picture of my ass. Yet.

I’m the kind of person that I need to see you in the flesh, I need to a get vibe, really experience your in-person awesomeness ... so really I just needed to fast forward to meeting up.

This is where a disconnect occurs between MEN on OK Cupid and WOMEN.

Men are eager to meet up, because even if they’re not 100% into you (or even like 50% into you) they will still have sex with you. So the meet up for them is like, "Yeah I could use a blow job tonight."

For girls, the meet up is different. If I like you I might have sex with you tonight. But If I don’t like you, then this is a big waste of time. Boo. So there’s a risk factor. An opportunity-cost scenario if you will.

Anyway, I needed to meet people. Sex or no sex. But of course every time I agreed to meet up, my 14-year-old self from the “age of murderers and pedophiles owning the internet” always told me to bail. So I did.


Like I said. Lazy dater. But have no fear, I’m trying harder to commit to this thing, but it’s overwhelming. I forget who I've messaged. What I’ve told them. Whether I thought they were cute or I simply responded because they genuinely made me laugh. Regardless, I’m def maybe going to actually execute a date. (So if you are messaging me, and clearly googled me, ya know, hang in there. Or don't.)

But in this little experiment of online "attempted-dating" I learned a a valuable lesson: which is that -- with most things in life -- OkCupid sucks for girls. But for guys it’s great. They message who they want, maybe get a response, meet up, bang the chick and move on.

For girls its this endless stream of messages, coordination, paperwork and research. And after all is said and done, all I’m really thinking is, “Ok, but what do you REALLY look like?”

That, or ... oh look "Game of Thrones" is on.

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