Sunday, May 19, 2013

Crap, I'm An Adult!

Being an adult sucks. There I said it. Happy now. Sure we get to drink, but we only shove copious amounts of alcohol into our bodies because we have too ... otherwise we'd die of depression, unable to block out the cold, stark reality that becoming an adult is actually the worst thing that ever happened to us.

Recently, Upworthy (that's a kinda-boring-website) re-posted a pretty awesome (albeit old) graduation speech by David Foster Wallace, in which he enlightens young grads to the perils of their post graduation lives. Specifically how BORED, TEDIOUS and AWFUL their lives will become.

 The day in and day out. 

This video struck a chord with me (and millions of super bored people perusing the internet at their super important jobs) because literally not five minutes before watching it, I was thinking to myself ... "Can I get workers comp if I blow my brains out with a shotgun? No but can I?"

Here's the thing, we all hated chores when we were kids. "Sweep the porch? Ugh mom you're the worst!" ... "Homework? Again?" ... "Clean my room, heck no!" And as we pouted about being forced to do anything outside having-an-awesome-time our inner voices told us that someday -- when we're adults -- we won't have to listen to anybody and we definitely won't have to do stupid things like math and chores. Yuck.

Well turns out, when you're an adult ... EVERYTHING IS A CHORE.

Not only do I have to clean my room, but I also gotta clean the entire house and vacuum, and do dishes, and do my laundry, and fix a broken bulb, and there's a leak in the sink, and why is the dishwasher making a funny noise? And that's just stupid annoying crap in my apt.

Here are more super fun things I get to do: 

1. Sit in traffic. Find a parking spot. Collect parking ticket.
2. Go to work. Be sad.
3. Get gas. Cry over gas prices.
4. Stand in line at the bank just to be reminded how poor I am.
5. Save time using the grocery store self-check-out that won't let me check-out without yelling at me.
6. CVS awkwardness ("it's for a friend")
7. Target-the-money-sucking-store. Why do I need 12 picture frames?
8. Go to the post office where I spend an hour waiting to buy stamps I will use once this year. (Hope you enjoyed that x-mas card).
9. Pay bills.
10. - 100. Pay more bills. 

And all of these things take time -- TIME that I don't have, or don't want to spend searching for quarters at the bottom of my car just to feed the washing machine ... to do an activity I don't want to do!

So instead of spending my time doing the things I thought I'd be doing as an a bona-fide grown up: dinner parties, wine-tasting, margartias at Sunset, discussing the WSJ over coffee, yachting, slaying vampires ... I'm bogged down in tedious crap.

Not only is the crap tedious ... but it REPEATS. Over and over and over again. For some reason my clothes keep getting dirty, my fridge keeps emptying itself, my cat wants to eat every day, and my landlord wants rent like EVERY month. C'mon people, enough already. 

So it seems like what adulthood really stands for -- what we've all been waiting for -- is to constantly do a bunch of crap designed solely to prevent us from living in a box. And PS I don't have kids. I'm not entirely sure how anyone has kids frankly.

So what's my point? TO BITCH obviously. Kidding.

Actually I'm not kidding. I just really want someone to fix it. Please anyone.


  1. It's tedious work when you own places too as I've recently found. Tough to balance the chores with the fun, but when you live part time on an island with no roads and a ferry service, bringing home groceries and furniture takes on a whole new meaning. Fun is a short walk to the beach or boat ride to the harbors. Sometimes being an adult is actually worth it. Now, how did I get here?

  2. haha. I think part time island living is the ONLY way to do adulthood. Great rec!