Sunday, March 10, 2013

Why Slutty Men & Slutty Girls Can't Live In the Same Universe

1. Guys think about sex all the time.

2. Girls think about sex all the time.

Guys will bang anything that moves ... fat, thin, dumb, smart ... baked in an oven.

Girls ... WILL NOT.

And therein lies mankind's greatest problem: a bunch of horny men running around looking for sex in a sea of picky, sexually-frustrated women. Hooray!

You see, our goals just don't match up and it's a problem. Damn you biology!!! And women can't say "No, I'm totally like a guy, I don't have feelings, I don't care" because CHEMISTRY -- and oxytocin -- say otherwise. And guys, don't try to be all ... "No I want monogamy" while you're rubber-necking on some chick's ass. Let's all just call a spade a spade ... we all want it ... we just want it differently.

Case in point "The Bachelor" (wait, hear me out) -- dude can date multiple women at a time, fall in love with all of them ... and mean it. I believe this. I believe this can happen because men LOVE women. All types, like ice-cream flavors. You can't choose between rocky road and mint. They're both so different, but they're both soooooo good.

The same goes for most guys I know in real life -- they hook up with multiple girls, on multiple days, for multiple lengths of time ... and enjoy every second of it. And are probably* (*as in I wouldn't know for a fact ... er ... most of the time) really nice to them.

But girls, take offense to this. Not on purpose. But there is this notion of "How can you like her -- a red-headed, artsy, flute-playing savant? And her -- a blonde, dumb-as-nails actress? And HER -- random mousey Brunette? All at the same time -- and still like ME?"

Guys, already stopped reading, to partake in this awesome photo. While girls wonder, "Why is there a butt here?"

We see ourselves as unique and interesting. And we can't comprehend how our personality can vary so vastly from another girl that said guy is hooking up with ... and yet he's totally down with it?

Because we forget ... IT'S NOT ABOUT PERSONALITY. Duh. It's about sex. *Please see the first sentence in which guys are running around thinking about sex.* And it's not just SEX, it's different kinds of sex ... the A.D.D. of sex.

Sure, artsy girl on Monday. Sporty spice on Tuesday. Crazy chick on ... um ... everyday. Guys love 'em all.

So this seems fine right? Guys are equal-opportunity-bangers. Great. Why can't WE, women, (I'm a girl if you didn't know) also do that?

The problem (or Paradox if you will) is ... when we like a guy, we like THAT guy and we compare all other guys to him. So hooking up with him on Tuesday is great. But we'd also like Wednesday and Saturday. Because again, we TOO like a lot of sex.

What about squeezing in a second guy? Sure that's fine too ... but again, we're comparing. And judging. So instead of enjoying new guy, he's auditioning -- and when he doesn't measure up, he's dropped. Goodbye Friday night.

Until we're left with a bigger problem ... the more we hook up with the Alpha we compared all our other discarded-guys too ... the more we like HIM. **Please see previous statement about stupid, unfair, asshole hormones wreaking havoc on our emotions.** And it sucks.

Because the guy -- unless his "I want a GF who will make me sandwiches" light is on -- is still hanging out at Baskin Robins ... basking in the glorious flavors the world has to offer his obvious awesomeness.

And then it gets complicated. The motivations behind said sex don't match up and somebody gets burned. Or melts. 

So how do we solve this problem I just sort-of-invented-with this specifically-tailored-totally-unresearched-blog post? 

Well maybe guys should stop being sluts? Wait, NO, the murder rate will go up. Women should have more sex with more guys? Well, NO, I mean unless you can easily stop attachment-hormone production. Girls should just think like guys? No, that can't be right, we'd just be jumping off shit all the time. BE a guy? No that's too tricky to pull off. Group orgies? Eh, could get messy. And Costco might run out of condoms.

Oh wait now I remember. There is no solution. It's called F-you evolution. Happy March folks!


  1. Best damn blog post I've read in a while!

  2. This is pretty funny!! So true.. at least for me. ;)

  3. Well, I like that she makes me sandwiches. More so that she wants to.