Thursday, May 3, 2012

I Don't Play Games ... and I'm a Liar

One of my favorite things in the world is discovering the idiocy of everyone else. In this week’s episode of, “LA Ridiculous” is the oh-so-common dating phrase, “I don’t play games.”

Here’s the thing … EVERYONE says this. Which in itself makes it illogical. If no one was playing games, there would be NO games, ergo, no reason to qualify yourself as one of the few people who does not play games.

Now that the basic lesson in logic is over, let’s dive in to why this is bullshit with ten reasons PROVING you’re playing games, even if you say you aren’t, because let’s be honest, it’s called the dating game for a reason.

1. Coyote Ugly: The moment you put on make-up, dye your hair, get a boob job, or anything else to drastically alter your appearance you are literally tricking the opposite sex with your temporary “uniform” … so be prepared to bolt at 3 am to avoid sunlight, and p.s. tricks are games. 

2. Oh, let me slooooooowly reach for … When the check comes if you go for a “fake purse grab”, that’s a trick. You want them to think you want to pay … but really you’re dying to get a free dinner.

3. Pop Quiz: Guys if you purposely wait to see if a girl will at least pretend to grab her purse … you’re testing her, ergo playing a game.

4. I LOVE Madden too: If you pretend to like crap you don’t: football, Nascar, Halo, jumping off shit, finance … it’s called LYING and it’s all part of the game.  Same goes for guys, but insert: Brad & Angelina, Scarjo, Anything from US Weekly, and random, stupid gossip about people you don’t know.

5. Bing! Sex is ready! This waiting game for sex really solidified in the 90’s with “The Rules” … but the 90’s sucked, and if you put a number on it before even meeting someone or going on the first date, then you’re playing game, called, “Maybe he’ll call me back if I blue ball him long enough.”

6. OK Cupid, OK LIES: Dating sites are like ESPN for daters: you can check stats, pictures, the latest status reports and get play by plays. It’s all a game in this arena because you’re selling someone on why you’re so great, even though in real life apparently no one thinks so.

7. Technical Difficulties: If you purposely wait to text, call, or email back based on some kind of “rule”, in the attempt to NOT look desperate, you’re playing a game. You’re trying to put on some kind of lie that you were too busy, or not that interested … but you’re trying to date someone, so why NOT be interested, isn’t that the point?

8. The “How are you” text. This is my favorite conversation and it goes like this:
            guy: “Hey how are you?”
            girl: “I’m good, how are you?”
            guy: “Good. Busy. So what’s up?”
            girl: “Not a lot, working. What’s up with you?”
            guy: “Working, ya know. How’s life been?”
            girl: “Really great. U?”
            guy: “Good. So u doin well?”

You get the point. Really, both of these people wanted to say, “Hey let’s hang out, get drunk and possibly bone.” Maybe in a more romantic way … but seriously, grow a pair and actually SAY SOMETHING!

9. The Day Date: You’re still trying to figure out if you actually even want to date this person … if you’re setting a lunch, a hike, a coffee or anything pretty much not in the dark and sans alcohol then you’re testing the dating water and it’s a game … because you’re stringing someone along They think they’re on a date, but in reality they aren’t.

10. If you’re still reading thanks … but there is no #10.

So next time you say “I don’t play games” realize that by simply agreeing to a date --  which is at its a core an interview—the game has already started, AND if you truly weren’t playing games you’d show up in sweatpants with season one of Game of Thrones, and a $5 bottle of wine from Trader Joes because that actually sounds like a rockin’ good time.  


  1. Your mother has to love this, but then these are different, and interesting times. May they rule.

    1. @ Mark ... haha, if anything I'm giving her the inside scoop, so she's a lucky lady :)