Monday, January 30, 2012

It's An Oxymoronic Life


If you're not laughing @ this ... we're not friends. 
The other day I wore a tank top with a scarf. Immediately I thought to myself… “What the hell am I doing?” If it’s so cold outside (cold enough to permit a scarf) why am I wearing a tank-top? I was being LA ridiculous.

LA ridiculous is all around us, because people are constantly doing oxymoronic things like driving five blocks to a restaurant (instead of walking), just to park four other blocks away.... and frankly I’m sick of it!

Juice Cleanses: People spend a lot of money on these juice cleanses… like $100 for a three day cleanse. I know what you’re thinking… “You need to look up the definition of oxymoron”. Here’s why I’m giving it the oxymoronic seal of approval – you are paying money to cleanse yourself of toxins through sugar. That’s an oxymoron… fruit juice is sugar. Even if you add veggies, it still has sugar in it. That’s like saying you’re going to clean your bathroom with dirt water. It’s ridiculous. And news flash… the grocery store sells BOTH fruit and vegetables so you don’t need a company to bottle them and ship them to your door. You’re LA ridiculous.

Indoor Tanning Salons: It’s 80 degrees and sunny – here’s an idea… let’s go inside, jump in a tube of fake UV light and get tan. Forget going outside, where FREE UV light is in abundance… we’re in LA we should pay for it! Fake Tanning beds in the summer, spring, fall and part of the winter are oxymoronic … inside tanning on a sunny day – I can stretch the definition due to the LA ridiculousness of it.

How Do You Get There? When someone sends me a text, from their smartphone, that says: “What’s the address?” and then follows it up with, “How do you get there?” I don’t respond. You are on a smartphone, you have GPS, and you can type which you have exemplified by texting. You are just as capable of GPS’ing or Googling the address as I am – so find it yourself. It’s a SMARTPHONE! LA Ridiculous.

UGH! Are you Wearing Uggs? : I own Uggs and I wear them all the time… in my house! Also I will let this slide if it’s legitimately cold outside and you are also wearing some kind of sweater. However, if you are wearing Uggs with a skirt or shorts or underwear then you are not using them properly and you are turning them into an oxymoron because if it’s so hot you can wear shorts then why in the hell do you need furry, tall boots to keep you warm? If you are at the Grove whilst it’s fake snowing and wearing Uggs then you get double LA ridiculous points.

Prepping for the Gym: When I go to my gym a lot a women are wearing make-up, their hair is fancifully done and their clothes clearly came right out of Victoria’s Secret’s work-out catalog. Here’s the thing – are you working out or working it? See I go to the gym to run and sweat (a lot) so it seems like an oxymoron to shower, straighten my hair and put on make-up just so I can dirty it up. Although maybe this explains why no one hits on me at the gym!

Dating Rules: This might be the biggest offender. Play hard get but let him know you are available.  Be yourself – but be someone else (someone he’ll like). Let him know you’re interested – don’t text him back for three days. Agree to a date – cancel the date last minute. I mean come on… all these nuances about when to call, when to text, when to have sex, when to be normal, when to be sexy… it’s crazy. Then all the advice columnists say is BE YOURSELF. Well, if we were all just ourselves then we wouldn’t need articles to tell us WHO to be and they’d be out of a job.

Screenwriting: “We need a new romantic comedy, but let’s turn it on it’s head”. Great idea film executive, what’s that? You have more to say? “Make it different, but still stick to the formula.” Wait – so you want something new and different that is completely formulaic? Wow. Not kidding this is real paraphrasing of real conversations with real people. Also this is why Transformers 10 will get made but an original idea won’t. Apparently the formula is “The audience is stupid so let’s blow things up and make people fall in love.”  LA Ridiculous.

Job Interview Questions: “What’s your worst quality?” I hate that question. No one answers it honestly, and the interviewer knows that and asks it anyways. No one says, “I’m late all the time,” or “I hate other people,” or “I murdered my last boss.” NO. Everyone says, “I’m too organized,” or “Sometimes I work too hard,” and I love, “I am a perfectionist.” So the question is, why ask the question? It becomes an oxymoron because on an interview the answer cannot possibly exist in the same realm as the question. It’s ridiculous.

That’s the list so far. I might revamp it to just “moronic things in LA” but that could be a blog in itself… and yes confusing parking signs, doggie spas and the city of Hollywood would be on there. 

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