People have sex all the time. Morning, lunchtime, back alleys at midnight (not very sanitary I might add) and people, more than having sex, THINK about having sex ALL the time. It consumes our TV shows, movies, books, magazines (dear COSMO your articles suck and are the same every month)…not to mention our every waking thought. So I started thinking… what is all the fuss about?
It is definitely true that sex gets better as you get older (well if you define older as past teenager-dom and before breaking out the walkers & dentures). However, it is also true that as you get older sex gets more complicated. Is it friends with benefits sex? Relationship sex? Friday night hook-up sex? Black out sex? Marriage sex? Sex with an ex? Angry-hate sex? I love you sex? There are so many types that sometimes sex blurs the relationship – do I like this person, or do I like having sex with them? How can we tell the difference when the chemicals (like Oxytocin) in our brains are screaming, “this- is - AWESOME”? Isn’t that like trusting heroin to make all our decisions?
Someone said to me the other day, “It’s amazing what one kiss can do.” Seriously, I am not making this up. But it’s true, with the right person, and the right sexual attraction one kiss can make your whole body tingle, excite your nerves and create a hallucinogenic feeling of happiness (again like a drug…are you sensing a theme?). Immediately the hormones in our bodies profusely release, producing such wonderful side effects as “tension reduction, drop in anxiety levels, feelings of comfort and safety, contentment and a decrease in fear”. Wow, that’s pretty amazing if I do say so myself. It's like a cure all for depression and the main reason why we crave it so badly. So how much of that connection is dependant on how much we like the person emotionally versus the way our bodies chemically react. Or does it even matter?
Certain people have more sexual chemistry than others, but great sex doesn’t mean a great relationship… and vice versa, a great relationship does NOT mean great sex. So which is more important? If you are having great sex with someone it becomes difficult to tell if your sudden emotional attachment is due to the sex or to the person. On the flip side, if great connections are purely sex based then why do we become so obsessed with the person it is connected to? Is that the only person that can make us feel that way? Did we love them for reasons outside of how they made us feel? Isn’t loving someone for their intelligence, money, wit, or generosity the same as loving them for how they are in bed? Aren’t these all just characteristics that make up the person as a whole? Sex, I would say, is the most necessary component to a relationship… because let’s face it, without sex you are really just friends. The difficult part is navigating why we like someone, why we are so sexually attracted to them and if that is enough to sustain a relationship. If not, then the sex can be enough to sustain it for right now. Obviously the health benefits alone are enough to ride it out a bit longer. If you are wondering which category you fall into - see below for my helpful dictionary. Additions are more than welcome...
What Kind of Sex Are You Having?
Friends with benefits sex: You like them, they like you but there are really no fireworks, no crazy sparks and both of you are looking for something better. This is often apparent by one of the two parties wanting the room to be entirely void of light.
Relationship sex: You like this person. You like having sex with them. You like hanging out with them even if you are NOT having sex. Good way to check: they need a ride to the airport at 6 am and you are more than willing to take them. Fulfills both emotional and physical enjoyment.
Friday night hook-up sex: You are horny and it’s Friday. Most likely this is a booty call. If you are on the receiving end of the call please note that when the other party leaves at 4 am it's because it was a booty call... not the start of a magical relationship. You've been warned.
Black out sex: Uh, I don’t remember.
Marriage sex: I am not married so I shouldn’t be commenting. However I assume this is predictable sex… and if that’s the case it’s time to break out some costumes, props and / or exciting new locations. Best of luck.
Sex with an Ex: This is like an episode of Glee… it can be an hour of awesome or the worst hour of your life. Sex with an Ex is familiar, fun and exciting. However, tread lightly because you may end up back in a relationship being reminded daily of why you broke up in the first place.
Angry-hate Sex: This is usually with an ex or post fight… or maybe you just get off on hating people- that’s your business. It can be hot… but also emotionally draining. Keep a Gatorade by the bed.
I love you sex: Yes, I separated it from relationship sex because not everyone in a relationship is really in love (you know who you are). This is the best sex… and the hardest to come by. Appreciate it while you have it because often it turns into one of the other categories.